When families experience separation or divorce, everyone is forced into multiple adjustments and challenges. While the majority of children survive the transition to grow up to become well-adjusted adults, up to a quarter of children whose parents divorce experience ongoing emotional or behavioral challenges.
Spouses divorce each other, but they do not divorce their children. A majority of ex-spouses are able to negotiate a relatively conflict-free parenting relationship for the benefit of their children. However, about a third have challenges establishing a workable parenting relationship, even years after the divorce. While there are a number of ways parents can develop cooperative or business-like relationships for the sake of their children, for those that don’t the resulting parental conflict can hinder children’s adjustment. Working together on good co-parenting skills before and after separation can be very important to a child’s adjustment.
Most parents who have a difficult relationship with their ex-spouse but who want to co-parent start out with “parallel parenting.” Under such an initial arrangement, both parent assumes total responsibility for the children during the time they are together; there is no expectation of flexibility and little contact with the other parent. As time goes on, with co-parenting successes and some dissipation of anger, parents may develop a more “cooperative parenting” style. In such an arrangement, parents communicate more directly and in a cooperative, business-like manner regarding the children and co-parenting schedules. Marriage and family counsellors can be helpful to families as they explore or define their post-divorce parenting relationships.
How can you help your children?
• Discuss a plan to tell children about the divorce together.
• Answer the children’s questions honestly and lovingly, avoiding unnecessary details.
• Reassure children that they are not to blame for divorce or separation.
• Tell children they are very much loved by both parents and will be taken care of by both parents
• Include both parents in school and other important kid activities.
• Be dependable and on time to pick up and return children.
• Develop a reasonable workable parenting plan that gives children appropriate access to both parents.
• Avoid canceling and altering plans with children.
• Encourage the children to have a loving, satisfying relationship with the other parent.
• Avoid placing the children in the middle or in a position of having to take sides.
• Avoid questioning children for information about the other parent.
• Avoid arguing or discussing child support issues in front of children.
• Avoid putting down the other parent or using the child as a pawn to hurt or manipulate the other parent.
How do you know when to seek help?
Ideally, when your children show the early signs of stress:
• acts younger than their chronological age
• fear of being apart from parent(s)
• moodiness
• acting out
• manipulation
• sadness and depression
• guilt
• sleep or eating problems
• change in personality
• academic and peer problems
• irrational fears and compulsive behavior
When you or your partner begins to:
• use the legal system to fight with each other
• put down or badmouth the other parent
• use the children as message carriers or to spy on the other parent (children feel caught in the middle)
• experience high levels of conflict and children repeatedly try to stop the fighting
• rely on the children for high level of emotional support and major responsibilities in the home
• experience depression or anxiety
What help is available for divorcing parents and children?
Counselling therapy can assist in the process of redefining relationships and addressing family members’ responsibilities and needs. During separation and divorce, family members experience uncertainty, emotional upheaval, and changes in their family roles and rules. Contact me to explore how I can help everyone communicate and address their needs through this challenging process.
